Hi, how are you? Me? I’m pretty good — just finding it difficult to string a whole sentence together lately. The cause? You guessed it: baby. Since I am suffering from what is commonly known as brain mush, I’ve been watching a lot of crap TV and am starting to worry about my ability to focus on things that actually require me to think (but seriously, how good was the latest Love is Blind US?). I’m not completely lost though, I did watch this great show last week, Best Interests, and I did sort of pay attention to that Gut documentary on Netflix.
I haven’t been sleeping much due to Fausto’s teething? Night terrors? Growth spurts? Hunger? Tummy aches? Wanting to annoy me? All of the above? Whatever it is, I’m struggling a little. And apparently, according to legit studies, not sleeping is very likely to cause MOM RAGE as discussed in Minna Dubin’s book, Mom Rage: The Everyday Crisis of Modern Motherhood. I read about this in one of my favourite newsletters, Gloria (“If you aren't yet "old," but aren't still "young," you've got to join us.”)
“In 2022, Christine Ou and her colleagues published a study that investigated the relationship between sleep and anger in postpartum mothers. The results showed that poor sleep quality and feeling like their babies are not sleeping well are noteworthy contributors to mothers’ anger.” — writes Dubin.
This discovery honestly comes as no surprise at all, but it is nice to know that actual professionals (women, obvs) have spent their time and energy into proving a very valid point. And it explains a lot of my behaviour lately, like why I wanted to kill my barista the other morning when she refused to give me free coffee after I had collected all necessary stamps, since they were “not all in the same stamp card” (What’s the consensus on this? Serious question.)
Also, in case you missed it, women need to sleep more than men. As an article in The Cut explains: “As for why women seem to need slightly more sleep than men, it’s a complicated puzzle — and one that, like much of the medical field, would benefit from more research focused on women. Biological differences between the sexes may very well play a role, especially the hormone fluctuations that accompany menstruation, pregnancy, and menopause.” Or, as someone very correctly pointed out in the comment section, “…” So if you have a male partner who complains about you going to bed too early or falling asleep during movie night (lol at the idea of me not going to bed immediately after my kids go to sleep), do feel free to remind him of this proven fact. But also, remember: you should never have to explain your tiredness.
I’m currently doing freelance jobs, which means I get to stay home. And in between doing what feel like neverending chores, I can enjoy the privilege of having time for myself to recover from rough nights. So besides watching bad TV, I’ve started to delight in something that I took for granted before: absolute silence. Not having to listen or talk to anyone throughout my day is a real dream. And honestly, if it weren’t for these blissful quiet moments, I’m pretty sure I would have cracked by now.
The thing is, when I had Gaspar, I went straight back to work when he was only 3 months old and not even drinking from the bottle yet. It was peak summer and our office didn’t have a lactation room, so I would sit in stuffy meeting rooms with my noisy milk pump, sweating profusely, watching episodes of Sex and the City to help me relax. As soon as I could, I would sprint home to Gaspar who had been desperately crying of hunger all day. It was absolute hell. We weren’t ready.
So for now, even though society has me feeling like a lazy lump for wanting to rest after growing a human, I am quite content in being able to give myself time to heal, look up shampoos for hair loss, and invest most of my energy into being the kind of mother who reads parenting books, makes soup every day and spends 45 minutes neurotically lining up her son’s Lego figures in the morning.
And now, for no other reason other than I think we’re hillarious, here are some text exchanges between me and my sister:
Until next time!
Thanks for reading.
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