I made it to 10 newsletters! Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. A couple of years ago I would have been too scared and self-conscious to do it, but that's one good thing about getting older: you care less about what people think.
There's a lot on my mind. So I'll just dive right in.
Sometimes my phone knows exactly how I'm feeling. Just the other day I was having an argument with my mum over the phone, and suddenly everything froze and my screen read "Weak connection." Precisely, I thought: weak connection.
The idea of being disconnected is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. It was brought to my attention by my new therapist (therapist number 25 now, but who's counting?) that I don't seem to be connected with my emotions. At first I didn't really get what she meant, am I not always going on and on about how I'm feeling? "Helloooo, my vulnerability is kind of my USP, Dr."
But after talking about it some more, and then listening to How To Fail's episode with Dr. Nicole LePera also known as, The Holistic Psychologist (lol), I think I get what she means now. Yes, it is a fact that I find it easy to open up about my feelings with other people, but am I really allowing myself to really feel these emotions? The answer is no.
So APPARENTLY, I'm still attached to old patterns that I experienced as a child, and this has been preventing me from fully connecting with myself, with my real emotions, as well as with those around me.
This is what I've learnt: from a very early stage we begin to exist in very patterned ways that we were passed on from a very early time in childhood, when we were being "taught" how to live by our caretakers.
"Unfortunately, so many of us don't update. We become, we live from that subconscious auto-pilot where all of those habits and patterns live. And so many of these are preventing us from being connected to ourself and to others in a much more authentic way", says Dr. LePera.
Ah, so is this where my anxiety stems from? And why I find it so hard to believe I will ever feel at peace? And why I'm almost incapable of accepting criticism? I feel pretty LAME sharing this stuff unironically. But honestly, it has helped me to know that there is a reason behind my complicated emotions, and that there is a way to become more conscious of them. Maybe this will help you too. I don't know if this will make me a better and happier person, but hopefully I'll start shouting less.
Now I keep thinking, is everyone just walking around feeling emotionally connected with themselves? Are you? Have you even thought about this before? Is anyone still readying this? Am I losing my mind? I might be.
Allen v Farrow
OK, moving on. Have you watched the recently released documentary about Woody Allen sexually abusing his and Mia Farrows child? It's heavy stuff. Who's side are you on? Obviously after watching the doc I'm convinced Woody Allen is guilty. Although, who's crazy enough to raise 15 kids?
The thing that most makes me believe Allen is guilty, is the fact that he kept insisting Mia is doing this for vengeance, even after adult Dylan had written an open letter accusing her father. I find this quote by Allen particularly strange and off-putting, "Imagine my sadness, when not only did Dylan not want to see me, but instead wrote an open letter saying that I molested her, the openness is important as the strategy behind going public is not to resolve anything, but to smear me."
I've now started mourning Woody Allen movies, since I'll probably never watch them again. Or am I supposed to separate the artist from the art? It really is a tough question that sadly keeps coming up. Just the other day I was watching Despicable Me 3 with Gaspar and a Michael Jackson song came on. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that.
K, thank you for reading.
Logging off now,