Being in a relationship is hard. Like REALLY HARD.

But maybe it doesn't have to be that way?

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Romantic relationships. Not just my own, but relationships in general. It feels like something is happening, a shift in our behaviour, a re-evaluation of the rules, regulations, expectations and pressures surrounding Romance that have been ingrained in our society over time. I’m no Esther Perel, but you know what readers? I’d even go as far as saying that this change feels like a pretty pivotal moment in the evolution of love. Maybe I’m wrong, but just hear me out will you?

Yes, something is in the air, can’t you feel it? The evidence is out there: open relationships have become the norm, everyone is sleeping in separate bedrooms (and i’m here for it), EmRata has been telling everyone that “there’s nothing better” than being divorced in your 30s (not to mention, it’s also super chic), and Julia Fox has opened about abstaining from sex for over two years: “Now I don’t even think about it [sex]. Like I don’t care, it doesn’t interest me and I’ve truly never been better. I’m healthy and I’m centred and I’m focused and I feel like nothing good ever comes from sex. It’s not worth it for me” she admitted.

She’s also said: “I also think men are very lonely and want a relationship more than they would even say”

I find Fox’s openness to talk about her lack of interest in sex quite a huge moment in popular culture. And it’s important to highlight it here because this ties in with those distorted pre-conceptions that we’ve created (by we I mean men in power), just like with love, that we all need be having sex all the time and if we’re not, something is very wrong. Fox (whom we can all conclude isn’t asexual) is normalising the idea that it’s also totally fine if you’re just not that into it at this point in your life. So put down your maca smoothies, stop stresssing out and go do something that actually makes you feel good.

But back to what I was saying: it feels like we’re all sort of discreetly trying to get as far away from each other as possible lol. Or at least, many of us are realising that A) Romantic relationships aren’t everything and B) There are other ways to be in a relationship that don’t involve giving up your well-being just because you think you have to. Also, whatever we’re doing now clearly isn’t working because I don’t know about you guys, but everyone around me is getting divorced or separating. Which of course is totally fine, but what I’m trying to say is: wouldn’t it be great if we could all just get along?

At some point in time, Romantic Love become thee most important thing in our lives. And since then, the belief that you need to find true love to be happy has been pushed down our throats through popular culture, in turn alienating single people and making them feel like freaks.

I’ve witnessed this struggle first-hand with friends, who used to send me voice notes after experiencing yet another horrendous date. There’s one story in particular that comes to mind, of a friend who met a guy on Tinder and the first moment they met he started barking. Yes, actual barking, like a dog. “I already had a few warning signs but I let them go. And then when I approached him on our first date he barked twice at me, as a form of greeting?? I was happy to be harangued by a homeless man so I could use it as an excuse to escape”, she told me.

It’s like most of us are willing to subject ourselves to these soul-crushing scenarios because we believe that eventually we will find the one and we will be forever happy. And even though this vision sounds old-fashioned by now, a lot of us are still wired to think this way.

Another friend who’s been on dating apps most of her adult life (”They should be paying me for insights at this point”), was so frustrated about not finding anyone decent that she went as far as creating an Excel sheet where she logged in information of her dates.

I asked her to explain it to me: “As you know, my job as a researcher is trying to find patterns. And in this case, I wanted to find out why is that I’m not going on second dates? Am I unlikeable, am I doing something wrong? Or is it the guys? What is it? So the tabs included things like name of person, type of date, my reflection of the date and the outcome.” Did she get anywhere with it? “I just ended up trying to change myself to please others, and it was unhealthy. Plus, after I showed the Excel thing to my therapist she dumped me — it was too much for her to handle. Even my therapist didn’t want to see me anymore!!”

Just to be clear, I’m not mentioning any of my bad dates because honestly I didn’t casually date that much. I began my first serious relationship when I was 20 and from then on I jumped from one long relationship to another. I looked it up and apparently there’s a term for people like me, who “moves from one romantic relationship to another very quickly, spending as little time single as possible” — serial monogamist. This is pretty weird because one of my great pleasures is being alone, which I know isn’t really the same thing, but why didn’t I give myself more single time? Makes ya wonder.

The joys of being alone

It was on the dance floor of a wedding that I went to last week that I was introduced to a couple who have 3 small kids, are still together but live in separate houses. They seemed happy, connected. I needed to know more: is living separately the key to still tolerating each other? And is that key having two different keys? I invited them to sit down with me and as we sipped champagne, they told me more about how their appealing arrangement works.

“We’ve been together for 10 years. When our second child was born we decided to separate. I realised we were keeping score of who was doing more of what, and resentment was building up. It didn’t feel good.” the woman told me. “But we wanted to make it work, so after a while we started seeing each other again without telling anyone. We wanted to find out where things would go first, and at one point we realised that our relationship worked a lot better if we weren’t constantly worn out. Suddenly it hit us: what if we got back together, but kept the two houses?”

My first thought was: but won’t this be confusing for the kids? “We started living separately when our eldest daughter was 2 years old, so they don’t really question it. And actually, without all the fights and the keeping tabs, our time with them became a lot more wholesome. We both see them everyday, and we try and put them in bed together every evening. Plus, the romance between us flourished”, the guy told me. “We are, without a shadow of a doubt, much happier this way. But a lot of people don’t get it. Honestly, it feels like a lot of them are jealous.”

OOF, this was a long one! As I wrap this up friends, I just want to stress that I’m not saying I don’t want to be in a relationship, nor that I think I have all the answers — I’m as clueless as you are. Also, I’m not a complete cynic. I always cry at weddings, I’m moved by people growing old together and I adore watching Romcoms, especially when they’re completely predictable because predictability feels great sometimes.

But what I am saying is this:

It is hard to be in a relationship. So fucking hard! And once you have kids, it becomes pretty much unbearable. So I just think it’s great that we’ve started to open up space for alternative and unconventional ways to be together. It’s time we try to put our egos aside and instead of simply going along with what’s considered acceptable, maybe start thinking more along the lines of: how can we all be happier?

Thank you for reading.

x Isabel

And to anyone who needs to read this: