Am I a low-maintenance girly? 🎀

On not having what it takes to look good 🥲

As I walk my son to daycare looking like a trash bag (I usually shower post-drop off), I can’t help but notice the other women around me looking impeccable. Their hair bouncy, nails done, clothes ironed and stainless, their skin dewy and bright. How do they look so put together and polished? I feel like they know something I don’t. Like I’ve missed some sort of class that taught women how to look and act like they have everything under control.

I know that this is partly my brain doing what it’s always done: overrating the qualities of others and in turn underrating mine. But the truth is readers (believe it or not!!) when it comes to taking care of my looks, I’ve always been a pretty low-maintenance girly.

I don’t get manicures, for one. I’ve only had my nails done like once? Twice? I’ve never had a pedicure, and I haven’t permanently lasered off any body hair, which I’m pretty sure disqualifies me from being an adult woman in most first-world countries. I’ve actually made it through entire winters without removing a single leg hair, not as a statement or power move or whatever, just because I’m too fucking tired and I rather use that time to do, oh I don’t know - anything else?

When I do eventually summon up the energy to make my legs fit to be seen by the general public, I use a small medieval torture device known as an Epilady, which yanks your hair out one follicle at a time. I inherited this custom from my mum, who I believe still uses the same machine she bought when it was first invented in 1986.

One of the main reasons for my lack of interest in the Business of Beauty probably has something to do with my mother’s own lack of interest. And I mean this in the best possible way. As a little girl, I never saw her put makeup on or have a daily skin routine. The closest to a wellness ritual I remember my mother having was wearing a hat made of seaweed to help her sleep better at night. She was a natural beauty, effortlessly hot. Plus, she had three kids by the time she was 23, so you know, priorities.

But here’s the thing: as my face starts to look more and more like a crumpled receipt, I’ve started to notice how everyone else is looking exponentially great, and honestly it’s getting harder to ignore the increasing pressure to do something about it. What I’m trying to say here is: I’M TIRED OF LOOKING LIKE SHIT.

I’m fully aware that this is my brainwashed self talking, you know from all the targeted beauty ads and the fact that everyone on Instagram is starting to look exactly the same — but I’m feeling a very strong, irrational urge to do stuff to my face. I too want to look like I’ve just rolled out of the womb!!! I too want to have eyebrows thick enough that they need their own teeny tiny comb. I might even go as far as saying that I want a professional to surgically remove the puffiness from below the sag fest that are my eyes and transfer that puff to my lips so that I look like I’ve been stung by a swarm of bees!!! I’m sure that’s not how it works, but whatever. I’M READY FOR MY GLOW UP ERA, Y’ALL.

OR AM I? There’s just a slight problem. I don’t think I have it in me — the degree of dedication it takes to look good. While everyone else is chugging down gallons of water before 10am, I can barely commit to drinking a glass a day, even if my life depended on it (which it kinda does). And I refuse to be seen carrying a stupid giant bottle with a motivational phrase like “Keep going!” on it. When did hydration become a sport??

I just find this whole beauty thing so horribly overwhelming 🥴 The endless lineups of proteins, peptides, acids and supplements that we’re apparently supposed to be smearing on our faces and swallowing on the daily to prevent our biggest fear: looking our actual age. I swear every time I talk to someone about their skin routine they throw yet another ingredient into the mix that I’ve never heard about but absolutely should be using, like “Wait, you’ve never massaged your scalp with fermented snail placenta? No wonder your hair looks terrible”.

Take this friend of mine, whose face is the definition of glass skin. She recently told me about this thing called PDRN: “It comes from salmon sperm, which is really good for boosting collagen. I’ve even thought about doing salmon sperm injections.” She also mentioned using tretinoin, which is a common ingredient in prescription-strength acne treatments and also helps improve fine lines and dark spots. “It’s a miracle worker. But it’s extremely strong. Like so strong that if you use it during pregnancy your baby will most probably develop birth defects.” Other tips included a bunch of other stuff I had no idea about like growth factors and exosomes, oh and of course “you must must must must must double cleanse.”

But let’s be honest, people aren’t looking this good just from drinking tepid, lemon-infused water, slapping on animal sperm and intermittently fasting are they? Up until recently, silly, naive little me thought so. Turns out practically everyone I know is quietly getting needles in their face, zapped with lasers or frozen into immortality. “I barely have a skincare routine. I only use cheap products from Lidl’s brand, Cien. Oh, and I’ve had botox injected on my forehead three times”, revealed my 34-year-old penelope-cruz-looking friend.

Actual footage of me during my evening skin care routine

So here’s where I’m at readers: on the one hand I’m drastically tempted to have everything done to every inch of my face. On the other, I simply can’t be arsed (did I mention I have two kids and haven’t slept properly in two years?). I guess for now I’lll probably just stick to my current ?-step routine, which involves relentlessly screenshotting other people’s salads and creams (like hers), squeezing blackheads until my face looks like an apocalypse, staring at the mirror in disbelief, and trying different products from Sephora and Cap Beauty even though I can never really tell if they actually do anything or not.

How ‘bout you, what’s your deal??

And now… some things I’ve been distracting myself with recently as the world keeps getting grimmer:

1. Overcompensating (Amazon Prime) : so fun.

2. Four Seasons (Netflix): so funny and comforting.

3. Dying for sex: A beautiful, hilarious, heartbreaking perspective on friendship, female desire and death. Also, who else finds Robert Delaney very attractive?

4. Kris Jenner’s insane new face: I know she looks like a creepy doll, and it’s twisted that women feel they need to look 16 when they’re 70 but in my opinion whoever did this to her face is a cosmetic surgery legend.

Also this is great:

kylacobblercomedy

A post shared by @kylacobblercomedy

5. This stunning revelation

6. To Be a Boy Podcast

Firstly: supporting men doesn’t make you an anti-feminist. And being a feminist doesn’t make you anti-men.

Society’s patriarchal expectations of boys and men - to be violent, dominant, more successful than their peers - has led them to become miserable, unable to connect and enraged. And this, I believe, is the root of all that is wrong with the world today.

So how do we raise kind, well-rounded boys, who feel comfortable to be who they truly are and free to celebrate their vulnerability? That’s what you’ll find out in this podcast. PLEASE listen to it. It doesn’t matter if you have a son or not. Just do it.


THANKS FOR READING.
I’m off to do some face yoga lol

xx Isabel